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When Mattea competed in a national-level pageant in the fall, she had an anxiety attack and fainted backstage, blacking out and falling behind the curtain. As she prepared to go on stage at the Cinderella pageant, the familiar symptoms returned.

“I just want a hamburger,” she said. “I don’t know why I’m so hungry.” She had a healthy lunch an hour ago, but eating helps her cope with stress. She also sweats profusely when she’s anxious. Tootsie came out to the hall to check on her daughter.

“I’m just so nervous!” Mattea told her mom. “I’ve gotta get the sweat off my back.”

“Okay, shhhh….” Tootsie said as she scooped an ice cube out of a nearby glass and slid it over Mattea’s bare back. Mattea put both hands on a table and took a deep breath. The ice melted easily making her back glisten. For a second she was calm. And then it was time.

In the opening seconds of her routine, the Michael Jackson-esque black fedora slid down over her eyes, and she nearly lost her balance twice. But she adjusted, fixed the hat and found her groove. For a few seconds everything clicked. She looked good, but the performance didn’t summon the crowd-pleasing reaction she’d hoped for. Nobody clapped to the beat. Maybe the crowd was unsure about how to react, watching this 14-going-on-30-year-old.

Mid-way through the number, Mattea felt her collar loosen but tried to ignore it. Then the crowd gasped so loud she could hear it above the music. Her mom’s face registered panic. Mattea’s halter-top had fallen forward and was hanging from her waist like an apron. It was bad, but it could have been worse.  She was wearing a leotard under the halter top.  She surveyed her options: Run off stage, try to reattach her top and keep dancing, or pretend nothing was wrong. She went for the latter, amped her smile, feigned confidence and danced through the final interminable minute.

At the end she bowed – and the crowd cheered, a measure of their support and their pity.  Offstage Mattea removed the dangling shell of a shirt and handed it to her mom. The Velcro had burst. She was disappointed but not crushed.

“It’s okay,” Mattea said, trying to lighten the situation. “I was trying to be Michael Jackson, but ended up being Janet.”

~

Mattea didn’t cry the next day when she was not crowned Oregon Cinderella Teen. As she stood onstage congratulating the other contestant, who had performed a charming rendition of I Wanna Be a Rockette, Mattea remembered the promise her mom made her make when she joined the pageant world: “There won’t be any crying if you lose. Tears are only allowed when you win. If it’s no fun, we won’t do it.” So Mattea continued smiling and reminded herself that it was just the opinion of three judges, not the world.

The Cinderella pageant won’t be Mattea’s last. In fact she has a dozen more years of pageant eligibility. Whether the pageants will endure that long is another question entirely. 

KATIE CAMPBELL, Etude’s multi-media editor, has dreams of being famous too – as a writer.