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What could he expect? Marc’s wife and daughter knew, and they still loved him.  His mother knew and reluctantly accepted this quirky behavior. But Marc believed it wasn’t safe to disclose the extent of his problem, not with his family and certainly not with the larger world.

Marc had been gathering information on gender-related issues and transgenderism for years. He couldn’t imagine risking the life he had built with Isabel by publicly divulging his gender conflict. He was sure he would never be able to live openly as a woman or decide to hormonally or surgically transform his anatomy. He was afraid if he did this, he would lose Isabel and maybe everything and everyone else important to him.

But inner forces were at work. Initially, cross-dressing once every week was enough to relieve Marc’s anxiety and tension about being seen as the wrong gender. When that wasn’t enough, he started cross-dressing every morning and then in the evening, too. He hated to socialize because it meant wearing men’s clothing when he wasn’t at work. He started drinking a little more each night to alleviate his growing depression.

Marc and Isabel were talking one summer evening when Marc said, “I don’t think like a man.” Isabel answered, “You know, you don’t even think of yourself as a man anymore.” Marc denied it, to calm his wife, but he knew she was telling the truth.

Over the next two years, Isabel watched her husband transform from a seemingly happy, gregarious person to an increasingly withdrawn and isolated one. He felt less and less able to negotiate the bigger world in the role of a man. Isabel and the girls became more isolated, too, as Marc turned away friends and colleagues’ invitations and instead nestled into seclusion in the sanctuary of their home where he could relax in his dresses and skirts.

Chelsea and Olivia knew that their father liked to cross-dress. Marc never hid this from his children; it was part of who their father was. Marc told them he had a female side that needed expression. When Chelsea was nine and Olivia was five, Marc began to wear women’s clothing around the house whenever he was home. Olivia was too young to notice that things were different at her house than they were at other people’s houses, but Chelsea noticed.

Isabel and Marc explained to the girls that this wasn’t something that happened in a lot of families. It wasn’t a big secret, but they didn’t necessarily want to share it with the rest of the world.  

***

In November of 2003, Marc traveled to Seattle to attend the annual conference of the Geological Society of America. He had learned through one of his contacts on a website for people with gender identity issues that a transgender scientist named Brenda would also be attending. Brenda had transitioned from male to female two years earlier.

Brenda was tall and smartly dressed, with neatly coiffed blonde hair and an air of calm self-assurance. Marc felt shy and awkward approaching her, but once Marc told her about his own concerns, Brenda spoke openly with him. She related the story of her transition from male to female and gave him an opportunity to reflect about his current life.

At the end of their conversation Marc said to her, “I don’t ever see transitioning in the cards for me.” He was echoing the pledge he had made to his wife. Every time he talked with Isabel about his need to cross-dress and his internal struggle about living as a male, he voiced this promise: “No matter what’s happening, I’m always going to be a man. I’m not going to become a woman.”

Marc left the conference that afternoon to see the therapist he had been conferring with for almost a decade. They hadn’t spoken for a year and a half. Marc gave her an update on his situation. He told her about the emotional tumult that was dominating his life, the fact that cross-dressing more frequently was not enough to alleviate the stress of feeling at odds with his body, his need to drink every evening to numb his despair.

When he finished talking she said, “It sounds like you need to consider transitioning.”

The power of this statement from a trusted professional, a woman who had tracked the evolution of his inner life for so many years, was earth-shaking. With a few words, she had articulated both his greatest fear and his deepest wish. He was appalled and terrified and elated, all at once.

Marc called Isabel that evening from a bed and breakfast. As he sat in his room talking into his cell phone, he was crying and overwhelmed with emotion. Isabel, in contrast, felt a sense of relief. She had been expecting this for years and accepted the news with an oddly peaceful sense of resolution.

When he came home, Marc and Isabel talked with their family members and friends. They consulted with two other therapists. Everyone confirmed that Marc’s transition had to happen.

Isabel wouldn’t let herself feel the weight of these events. She had been watching her husband dissolve in front of her and now it seemed he would vanish and become someone else. Isabel would have to witness the death of the man named Marc, the death of her husband. But right now he needed her help. Her grief had to be put on hold.  She had to keep her focus on Marc and on the needs of her children.

They were advised that the worst time for a change like this in the girls’ lives would be during the middle school years, when the girls entered adolescence and grappled with their emerging sexual identities. Chelsea had begun fifth grade, her last year of elementary school, and Olivia was in first.

That meant that if Marc didn’t start the process during the next year, he would have to wait thirteen years for his youngest daughter to be out of high school and past this critical period in her life.

They decided that Marc would begin taking female hormones in February 2004 and schedule sexual reassignment surgery during the winter break of the following year, in December 2005.

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